On 3fc there’s a thread about what our motto for 2010 is going to be. Several ladies have come up with their mottos which are all pretty impressive. I, on the other hand, have no idea what mine should be. How does one come up with these things?

I know that I’m not going to go down the New Year’s Resolution route. This is not to say that there isn’t anything I want to do or achieve, because there most certainly is.

There are three things I want to continue doing in 2010. I want to carry on losing weight – about 50lbs or so. I want to finish up my MA. I want to think more of myself. But none of these can be called resolutions, because I’ve already begun at them over the last few months.

What should my motto do? Should it somehow encapsulate what I want to do with the coming year? How about embodiment? Too abstract. Become who you’re meant to be? It’s a bit too stereotypically self-helpy for my liking. In short, I have no idea.

Maybe I’ll just make myself blog more often….

In a few weeks it’ll be time to look back on the year, learn the lessons I can and then resolve to move on. It’s not something I’m looking forward to. Whilst I know that everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan which He is working out in my life, and whilst I’ve grown and learnt a lot over the past twelve months, I don’t see how I can look back at MMIX and not be somewhat depressed by the hurt that it brought.

However. That’s for in a few weeks, not right now.

Meanwhile…it’s December! The temps are dropping like lead balloons, which isn’t so bad (you just wrap up warm) in comparison to the light. Or lack thereof. Sunrise at the moment is at 8:39 and sunset is at 16:15. This is nuts, and more importantly, it’s affecting me this year much more than I remember it affecting me in previous years. Getting to sleep is very tough and getting up at any decent time has become nigh on impossible. Let’s not even get started on the fatigue.

So somehow I have to re-jiggle everything to make sure I keep my momentum up. Not just in terms of weight loss (I’m now chasing onederland!) but also getting and keeping myself organised and on track with my work. I’ve no idea how to do this, but then I’ve got Google, some good friends and God on my side (well, ok, I’m not 100% sure of the latter, but I’m prepared to be optimistic at the least).

My weight, which just over a week ago was at the awesome all-time low of 212lbs, has been creeping up. Folks on the forum will say Stick to your plan to which my shameful answer would have to be…there is no plan.

But how have you lost all that weight then? I hear you ask.

I have no.freakin.idea. When I first got sick I lost my appetite – which was pretty scary – and dropping something silly in a sillily short amount of time. Since then…what have I been doing? I eat less, but I don’t know how much less. I have a vague idea of how many calories I should eat each day (just over 1700), but I’m not particularly good at journalling, not least because my personal trainer told me not to worry about calories so much. For a while I’ve just done….something….and the pounds came off. Well, now the something seems to be losing its umpf and I think I need to specify it more.

Point the second: my sciatica is, I fear, back. Gah.

Point the third: there’s a whole situation at work that leaves me with zero confidence in my abilities. Blegh. Although one of my colleagues noticed and offered to meet up 121 so that things can hopefully be sorted out, and offer I’m taking him up on, so at least I’m being somewhat proactive about this.

But…yea. Things are tough right now.

(eta: my scale is playing tricks with me, but I still pwn. A little while later the thing read 212. HA!)

This means that in October, just as in September, I’ve lost 9lbs – bringing my total weight loss so far to 3436lbs. Which is about 16kgs, which is more than the weight of the rucksack I took with my on my travels last Summer.

Which means that I am now more than 30kg lighter than the amount of mass I lambasted that plane with.

According to a cool thread on the forums, my total weight loss so far is slightly more than a breeze block – you know, one of those big grey ugly concrete things they use to build houses with.

And yet I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel slimmer, even though I can look in the mirror and see a difference. I still feel like the horrid ugly fat woman whose life is a mess. There are a couple of people who actively support me in losing weight by commenting on it…but then there are plenty so-called “friends” who don’t. On Sunday I happened to see a few people whom I hadn’t seen in weeks, and not one of them noticed. Hell, they barely said hello.

I’ve got to stop expecting friendship and support from losers who are too mean to be able to give it. Likely they’re rotten, blind people who don’t give a damn. Any kind of “friendship” I might have had with them was clearly too superficial to last – like those 34lbs, I’m much better off without them.

The only problem is that I now need to fill the void in my life were before there used to be those “friendships”. I think I’ll just give it time and the real friends will come – but that’s easier said than done.

I had ordered mine based on the hip size, as my hips and thighs are the widest part of my body, and it was after some serious pouring over the size chart on the website. At the moment I have a bottom-heavy hourglass figure (though as the thighs disappear that might change – we’ll have to wait and see) and as such I knew that the new skirts would be too big for me in the waist and would need taking in.

Oh, did they need some taking in. For the first time in years – perhaps my entire life – I absolutely needed belts, because some too-enthusiastic dancing Shakira-style would have left my legs rather chilly as my skirt fell oh so gracefully to the floor. So I toddled along to the tailor’s where a very nice lady with a foreign accent instructed me to turn around, stand still, and relax whilst she pinned in all the waist lines (and, it has to be said, the side hems half way down my leg).

A couple of days later they were ready. I skipped along excitedly to the tailor’s to collect the first new skirts I’d had in over a year (sad huh?). I tried them on and aaaaaaah it was WONDERFUL – long denim skirts that fit me and swoooshed around just like I want skirts to.

Two days later they started feeling loose.

A week later they started shifting around my waist (if you understand what I mean).

Two weeks later there’s about two inches between the waistline of the skirt and my waistline.

Now I don’t know how much of this is the material “giving” a little, and how much is me trimming down. But this is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, YAY for the very visible phenomenon of weight loss that is your clothes becoming looser. On the other hand…sigh. I can’t afford to have them taken in again, so I’ll have to be imaginative with tops and the like until I can

All that’s left to do now is to get my thighs to catch up with the rest of my body. And in general kick butt so that I don’t get stuck at this present weight: around 215lbs/97kg. Hmpf.

Having said that, I’m now back on track as I’ve just done w6d2. And it’s 6ºC outside. Brrrrr.

I don’t know when I’ll get to run during the week though; it’s dark in the mornings now, and often I have to be at work at 9am. Should I run in the evenings instead? But then people will (shock!) see me in my running gear, and I’m not sure I like that idea much. Hm.

So things are going well and I’m learning stacks about myself. I think I’m going to end up happy

That was one month ago and I’m able to look back on the difference between then and now. I don’t know how those closest to me would describe it, but to me it seems as though I’ve made significant progress. It’s not been spectacular, but I’m not particularly looking for spectacular. I just want to get better.

What’s quite important, at least from my viewpoint, is that I have hope. And – slowly – I’m beginning to have confidence that I will indeed someday be fully healthy.

Today we have been shopping like the world’s going to end before the next credit card bill comes in. Then we had lunch, sis went off to do something constructive, and I went off to do more shopping Hey – I see it as part of my therapy (don’t laugh, I’m actually something more than semi-serious here). For years I’ve shunned shopping that wasn’t for books, and intelligent books at that. Heaven forbid that I buy myself a girly romance novel. So as part of Vee’s education, I’m letting myself (once in a while) wander around shops and try to find stuff that makes me look and feel pretty.

Today this included underwear shopping. My sister and I are rather differently shaped, but that didn’t stop us running in and out of each other’s changing rooms giggling like a pair of teenagers.

And because we’re both nerds, it equally didn’t stop us, earlier this evening, from mixing anatomical chat with commenting on complex anaylsis. My new chat-up line (new? Like I’ve ever had a chat-up line!) is going to be something like: “Would you like to investigate the complexities of integrating my functions?”

This caused MUCH hilarity between us.

Expected success rate depends on where you are…and more importantly who you try it on. There are several chaps in my acquaintance who would possibly get it, a few who have the requisite knowledge to get it, and a very few who would actually kitten on to the thought processes behind it. Most of the chaps I know would just stare blankly at you, with no clue as to what you were on about.

I don’t know enough gentleman nerds. I need to meet some more.